Pet Store
by deeply-immortal
Summary: Roy decides to drag Riza into a pet store one snowy night. Warning: First anime bashing.


**A/N: So my friend asked me to right about a pet store... and this happen****ed. This is dedicated to her ;)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any characters from Fullmetal Alchemist. All characters belong to Hiromu Arakarwa. **

**Warning: This has spoilers for the end of the manga and the first anime.**

* * *

It was a beautiful Monday afternoon – or wait, maybe it was Sunday. Of course, it could be Wednesday… Friday's a nice day too. Oh! But let's not forget about Monday! (Let's skip past this non-Fullmetal Alchemist reference to the rest of the story.)

So it was a rainy Thursday morning when it happened. Roy and Riza had been walking (along the way many unnecessary references to how useless he was were being said) and the shiny sign of a pet store came into view.

"Riza!" Roy exclaimed, because it's very normal for him to call her by her first name. "Let's go in the pet store!"

"No," Riza said because she is a stubborn hard ass. "Pet stores are for children."

We'll ignore the fact that Riza has a dog which means that she herself loves animals but it's okay for this one time for the sake of making Roy out to be a total child to let it slide. After all, Roy is never serious and focused – he's either a goofy womanizer or a total angst.

But of course since Roy always gets his way (he throws a fit if he doesn't ) they go into the pet store.

"Heeeey!" called the woman, Rebecca, from the counter. She looked like a whore who took nothing seriously, even though nothing like that is ever stated in the two instances you see her in the manga. Oh, and she's in love with Havoc. It's an unwritten rule even though the two never speak. But you know, assumptions have to be made sometimes. Like how Riza read as a teenager even though she never is seen reading as an adult, or how she brings her father tea even though they never even are shown in the same room together (not counting when he's, well, dead, of course).

"Oh, hi Rebecca," Roy smiled. Rebecca shot a glare at him. I forgot to mention that it's also an assumption that Rebecca fucking _hates_ the colonel flame ass with all her soul.

"So what did you want to do in here anyways? You have paper work to get back to," Riza stated, because all she talks about is paper work. She eats, breathes, _lives,_ paper work. It's all she can talk about. It's her life mission to have Roy get it done. The only time when it's okay not to do it is when they have sex on his desk which is completely okay with her even though she's a hard ass the rest of the time.

"I want to get a dog!" Roy exclaimed. "I love them! I love them so much because everyone loves the way Travis Willingham said it in that one episode everyone likes because they're unaware it's one of the only things that actually happens in the manga which is why it's good!"

"True," Riza said, "but it was merely an extra chapter, thus having no point to the story."

"But you see, first-anime only fans only love the extras, since they deny the rest of the story."

"Like how Ed and Winry get –"

"_Sh!_ We don't talk about that," Riza hushed quickly, throwing him a glare. "Ed's in love with Rose."

Roy looked confused. "Who? Oh, wait, you mean that girl he met that one time in the first chapter and never saw again?"

"Yes."

"… Weird. That's like someone pairing me up with Winry!"

Riza hesitated. "Actually…"

Riza explained that Roy had killed Winry's parents, which Roy didn't believe, because Scar had killed them. She then said afterwards how Roy became a pile of angst over it and tried to kill himself, even though he had killed hundreds of other people without caring as much. And she explained how she always had to pick up his pieces and put them back together, even though she was in Ishval with him.

"Riza, you're not making any sense," Roy said, puzzled. "None of that stuff happened."

"Just pick out your dog, sir."

"Huh? Oh, yeah, okay!"

Roy turned to the cages, his eyes lit up with the excitement of a toddler.

"Hey," whined a man from the cage. "Get me out of here…"

"Hm?" Roy blinked. "What's with the Xingese guy behind bars?"

Rebecca shrugged. "This pet store isn't just a pet store – it's a place where all people and plot devices go that first anime only fans refuse to accept exist. They don't know who I am, or who that Xingese prince is either."

"My name is Ling!" Ling whined. "And I'm hungry, get me out of here!"

Roy blinked. "A prince, huh? I could use that to my advantage. Having connections with higher ups from a big country like Xing would surely help me –"

Riza hit him. "Stop! You're acting too in character, your first anime fans won't accept it! Quick, talk about miniskirts!"

"I _do_ like miniskirts…" Roy pondered. He smirked and glanced at Riza, who scowled.

Ling was sobbing from the cage. "Get me out of here! I need to find the Philosopher's Stone to become ruler!"

"Did someone say the Philosopher's Stone?" Lust said as she came out from the back closet door.

"Who's the slut?" Roy blinked. "She's hot."

Riza glanced at him, unfazed. This was more annoying than how Roy would make her dress like a man and drive him around the city as he sat in the back seat with his legs crossed nonchalantly.

"My name is Lust," Lust said smoothly. "Although… I'm not sure why my name is Lust. See, I'm the failed attempt of Scar's brother, and Dante just so happened to find me and thought that Lust would be a good name. She has a fetish or something for the deadly sins."

"Huh? That doesn't make sense," Roy said, frustrated. "What if she finds more than seven failed attempts? Then she'd be out of luck."

Lust shrugged. "She's not that smart. I mean, she claims that she needs a Philosopher's Stone to switch her soul from one being to another, even though in the very beginning of the story Ed is able to transmute his brother's soul without one with his skills as an eleven year old boy."

"Wow," Roy blinked. "Way to contradict yourself, first anime."

"That's not the only contradiction," first anime Wrath angst said as he entered as well. "I age, even though it states earlier in the anime that homunculi can't age."

"Who's the creepy kid?" Roy whispered to Riza.

"Wrath," Riza answered.

Roy looked unsure. "I thought King Bradley was Wrath."

"No, he's pride."

"But I thought Pride was Seli—"

"Shut up he gets his neck broken!" Riza snapped.

Roy scoffed. "You serious? No way, he'd be more likely to snap his pop's neck first."

"You're confusing the first anime fans!" Rebecca scowled from behind the counter. "They're delicate, sensitive, defensive, and over opinionated beings!"

"But they don't even know I exist!" sobbed Ling, grabbing the bars with his hand.

"Oh stop complaining," answered a woman from the cage below him. "Neither do I."

"Oh, General Armstrong," Roy said slyly, turning to her. "What's your beautiful face doing here?"

"Be quiet, Colonel," Olivier seethed. She continued in a mimicking tone, "Apparently Alex only has one sister, and that's Cathrine."

"I thought there were four sisters in your family," Roy blinked.

"There _are_," Olivier growled. "But first anime fans don't know who the hell I am. They don't respect who I am or where I come from! They have no idea what it means to do what I do!"

"Well duh," Roy said like she was stupid. "Ed and Al don't go north to Briggs in the first anime. Briggs doesn't even exist. They just chill in Central and go home sometimes – oh, they visit their teacher too, so I guess the go south."

"Why doesn't anyone go west in either the anime or the manga?" wondered Riza.

But Roy didn't answer. He didn't usually like to acknowledge the words that came from Riza's mouth. "I think they met Greed down there. That was the same as in the Manga, only…"

"I killed him!" Ed yelled as he burst through the wall. Ed doesn't use doors – he's the fucking Fullmetal Alchemist. He makes his _own_ doors.

Ling looked confused. "No you didn't."

"Yes I did!" Ed retorted. "I stabbed him right in the gut," he motioned to his stomach with his hand, "and he curled up bleeding all over!"

"Wow, Fullmetal" Roy smirked. "I didn't think you had it in you to kill someone."

Ed waved it off with his hand. "In the first anime killing people is okay for me to do. What I don't understand is why I had such a mental _breakdown_ when I killed Greed even though I stabbed that blue rose whatever guy from that filler episode in the beginning of the series without so much of a thought or care on the matter."

Ling looked even more confused. "I thought you refused to kill anyone." You see, because Ling only exists in the manga, he is unaware and deeply perplexed of the strange happenings in the first anime.

"Oh, I don't. I talk about how I won't kill anyone all the time," Ed agreed. "But the first anime decided to take such an important aspect of my character and flush it down the toilet."

Riza sighed. "At least you still _do_ stuff. In the first anime I don't have any purpose at all other than to follow the colonel aimlessly and drive him places. I might as well not exist in the first anime like the Xing prince and Miss Ice Queen."

"True," Ed agreed. "but that's not the only aspect of me they mess up. See, at the end of the story when—"

"Spoiler alert!" Roy yelled, holding up a censor sign. Ed knocked the sign over, angry, and continued.

"As I was saying, at the end of the story when Al gave up his soul to return to the gate to reunite with his body so I could have my arm back to defeat Father, I refused to give up my own life to bring Al back here and then stay at the gate myself. Of course, that's because of a concept first anime fans can't grasp of how I don't want my brother to feel the loneliness of being by himself, so that's why I thought of another way to bring us both back alive with his body intact. But in the first anime I obviously just don't give a fuck about my brother being lonely and I sacrifice my whole being without a second thought."

Rebecca sighed as she looked out the glass window. "Aw, Ed, you just made a first anime fan's head explode…"

"Good, one less out there," Olivier scowled.

"Wait! I'm still confused over Greed's death," Ling chimed in.

"Oh, right, you don't know," Ed said.

Ling looked unsure. "Greed obviously doesn't die because I accept him into my body."

Ed shrugged. "Sure, in the manga Greed takes over your body and exists a second time beyond the original Greed. But in the first anime, a human based homunculus is frowned upon so they had to find a different way to get him to be dead for good and had me kill him."

"I still don't get it," Ling said, upset. "King Bradley's a human based homunculus. It's a simple concept, all it is a Philosopher's Stone being put in the blood stream of a human."

"No, don't say such things!" Ed yelled. "Homunculi aren't created using a Philosopher's Stone in the anime! They're looking for one for Dante so she can switch souls even though it would save her a lot more time and energy to just capture me and make me tell her how I transmuted my brother's soul!"

"Ha, she's so stupid," Roy said. "I mean, at least the homunculi make sense here in this pet store. It actually makes sense they're the seven deadly sins because they literally _are_ Father's deadly sins."

"Can we talk about my dad?" Ed interrupted. "Because I seriously don't get him."

"Why is he called Hoenheim of Light?" Al said, coming in from the front door. He was more of a gentleman than his brother and had enough decency to use doors.

"Because he shoots lights from his mouth, obviously!" Roy exclaimed. He paused after no one laughed and sighed. "No seriously I don't know either."

"Hoenheim's his _last_ name, first of all," Ed said. "His first name is Van."

"I think you just blew another first anime fan's mind," Rebecca glared. "Stop making more of a mess for me to clean up."

"Sorry," Ed scoffed. He wasn't sorry.

"It's too bad," Al said, turning to Ed. "In the first anime you never accept dad as a father, but in the manga at least you call him father in the end, and with a face full of tears, I might add."

"Shut up!" Ed growled defensively. "I don't cry!"

"But I do!" Winry exclaimed as she came in. She had an apple pie because she loves them oh so much. Oh wait, first anime fans wouldn't understand that reference. In fact, most first anime fans hate Winry. I don't blame them; she sucks in that anime. Manga Winry is ten times better. I mean look at her now – she has a _pie!_ Who doesn't love pie?

"Go away, Winry!" Ed yelled, his fist clenched.

"No, Edward, I will _not_ go away!" Winry yelled back.

In the first anime Ed x Rose is very popular. Which is understandable, since in the first anime Winry's a fucking annoying cry baby that has no purpose other than being a mechanic. However, as if she wasn't bad enough as that, the anime made her pathetically in love with Ed, and, for whatever reason, Ed did not appear to return the feelings and could probably have been abusing her and it would have made sense.

Sorry to disappoint, but even though Ed x Winry was just a failed attempt in the first anime, it's very much legit and canon in the manga. You can glare and deny the sentence you just read as much as you want, but seriously, they got married and had two children, so get over it and go ahead and just write your stupid fan fictions about how Ed realizes he made a mistake marrying Winry or how they get divorces and cheat on each other, etc. to further deny this fact in your mind.

Roy cringed as he glanced at the spoiler sign on the ground. He was too late to raise it in time for _that_ spoiler. First anime fans were already itching to right an angry review.

"Well look at you, in your silly pink bandana and your purple pants!" Ed mocked. Winry gasped. She was very sensitive about her appearance in the first anime. It was bad enough that her eyes were too far apart.

Now, I must admit, the new anime Brotherhood isn't much to talk about Winry. They also make her out to me more pathetically in love than she actually is and I swear to God, in one episode her pony tail will go down to her shoulders and then in another it goes down to her fucking ass. Inconsistencies seem to be a favorite of the new anime.

But I digress. Ed and Winry are now in a heated argument, which is no surprise to either a first anime fan or a manga fan. Lust, on the other hand, has been eyeing Roy the whole time. Riza kept shooting her glares (no pun intended).

"You're certainly someone I'd like to get my nails into," Lust winked at Roy. Roy looked uneasy.

"Stop being so evil, Lust," Envy said, annoyed, as he came in from the door with his black hair. Yeah, I said black. His hair is not fucking green.

"What are you talking about?" Lust raised an eyebrow, pointing to herself. "I'm quite evil if I do say so myself."

"No, seriously. Remember? We sit at cafes for no reason and you ask philosophical questions about your existence. You want to be human!"

Lust laughed as if Envy was saying something childish. "Don't be so ridiculous, Envy. Why would I ever want to be like a human?"

"Beats me," Envy shrugged. "Considering homunculi are pretty much human only, well, cooler."

"Envy's right, though," Ed said. "You turn out to be nice and help me."

Lust looked unfazed. "You're mistaken, boy. The only time you and I have ever met was at the fifth laboratory, and even then we barely exchanged any words."

"Yeah, I agree with Lust," Roy nodded. "She's super evil. She tried to kill me, then Riza."

Riza lit up, excited that they were finally discussing something that she did that actually had _significance_. "Yes! I shot her many times because I thought you were dead, and collapsed crying."

Roy smirked. "Yeah, I remember your crying face. Then I came in and bam!" He held out his arms quickly in an exaggerated motion. "I fucking burn her to death." He sighed contently. "Fun times."

"So much for the spoiler sign," Riza sighed.

"You guys have to stop talking about only manga events," Rebecca crossed her arms. "You're confusing and upsetting the first anime fans. They like to believe Lust is a deep woman with earnest goals and a good heart, not an evil bitch who just gets killed by the colonel."

"Just like how they like to believe I'm Hoenheim's son," Envy cringed.

"Technically, if you think about it," Ed said, turning to him. "You would be my nephew."

Envy raised an eyebrow. "How does _that_ work?"

"Well," Ed raised a finger. "Father was created using Hoenheim's blood back from his days as a slave. That makes Father Hoenheim's "child". I'm also his child, so Father and I are _technically_ brothers. And since you and the rest of the homunculi are _Father's_ children, that makes me your uncle."

"_Creepy_," Envy said with a disgusted look on his face.

"You can't talk about Hoenheim like that!" Al said. "In the first anime Hoenheim does _nothing_ except sit around like a sad person. They can't understand that he's super significant and actually _does_ stuff in the manga! They can't grasp the foreign concept of him being a slave or anything fancy like that!"

Ed scoffed. "My bad."

"Hoenheim in the first anime has no other purpose than to be Dante's lover," Al blinked. He can blink even though he's a suit of armor. "In the manga he's a leading factor to Father's defeat."

"Like Greed!" Ling grinned.

"Shut up, squinty eyes," Ed glared.

Ling smiled. "You know you like Greed. Even though apparently you kill him in this "first anime" you become allies with him in the real deal."

Ed sighed, annoyed.

"The whole finale in general is just full of action-packed intense-ness!" Roy exclaimed.

"Where in the first anime it's just… not." Ed said slowly.

"Yeah," Roy agreed. He looked upset. "I get my eye shot in the first anime! What the hell is the point of that?"

"None," Riza said. "But that's not too far off in the manga. You go blind when you're forced to do human transmutation."

Roy shifted his eyes. "True. But at least I get my eye sight back."

Riza sighed. "Didn't you come here to get a dog, sir?"

Roy snapped his finger in remembrance, which was bad idea, since he lit Rebecca on fire. She started screaming and rolling on the ground, but no one seemed to care. Havoc would have came to help, but he's paralyzed. First anime fans read that sentence over again, confused.

"Which one will you get?" Riza asked.

"Hm," Roy crossed his arms, looking around carefully. "You know what? I don't need a dog."

Riza looked at him, annoyed. "You just disappointed all of the readers."

Roy smiled. "That's because all my endings are just made to disappoint readers. Like how we don't even _talk_ to each other at the end of the manga, let alone get together!"

Riza shook her head. "What a happy Royai Day that was."

Roy grinned. "Let's go, Riza. I want to angst at Hughes's grave!"

Riza rolled her eyes and followed Roy out the automatic door.

"Wait!" Envy called angrily, running out after him. "You're not supposed to _angst_ about his death! You're supposed to want revenge! You're supposed to go fucking _crazy_ when you find out _I_ killed Hughes and go on a rampage!"

Ed smiled. "I'm going to leave you Winry and not even care that you'll be alone for the rest of your life as me and Al live in a parallel world. Oh, and I'm going to get with this whore gypsy named Noah."

"What?" Winry screamed, her wrench out and ready to do some damage. "Edward, you jerk!" she yelled, running him out of the store. "Come back here and ask for me to give you half of my life!"

Rebecca finally got up from the floor. She was black from ash. She looked at the cages. Ling was passed out, hungry, and Olivier was sitting there angrily, glaring at nothing. Al and Lust had exited from the back. She sighed and leaned against the wall, bored.

She could really use a boyfriend.

* * *

**A/N: I wrote this without any idea of where it was going so all of this sort of just spewed out as I was writing it. I've seen both the first anime, the movie and brotherhood, as well as reading the manga, so I'm not writing this blindly. I honestly think the manga is hands down the best, and even though I don't think the first anime is a bad anime, compared to the manga it really is. If you haven't read the manga or seen brotherhood you'll probably just find this to be more offensive than funny since you won't understand a lot of the references, but hey, hopefully it might spark you to want to actually read the manga. Do it. Seriously. It's amazing.**

**As for the Royai day reference... Royai fans who read the manga will only understand that one. It's so true, isn't it? The author didn't pick a good day to release the final chapter... **

**Anyways, either way I hope you got some amusement out of this or at least a smile :)**


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